In four days we leave for a four-month furlough, and my heart is a mixture of emotions. There is so much I need to do, and yet I keep acting as if I have all the time in the world. My oldest has been packed since Monday, and I have just begun.
It isn’t that I’m not excited to see our family. It’s not that I’m not looking forward to reuniting with our church and supporters.
The truth is I can’t wait to see everyone, I’m looking forward to experiencing Fall for the first time in three years, enjoying Thanksgiving, and celebrating Christmas. It’s going to be wonderful.
And yet, my heart feels torn.
Our life is not “there” anymore, it is “here.” And yet, we don’t really belong in either place.
And to be honest, I’m having a hard time knowing how to push the pause button on life here, so we can go and experience life there.
I guess I’m feeling a bit bi-polar, not knowing who I am, or where I belong.
And to be honest I’m a bit afraid of fitting back in. I mean I have no clue what the latest styles are, but I have a feeling my three-year old clothes I’m still wearing now, are not it.
And though I’ve tried to keep up on the news in the States, my focus has been the latest news here. So, I’m not sure, I will understand what everyone is concerned with or even talking about.
I know many will approach and say things like, “Aren’t you glad to be home?” And I’ll smile, and most likely say yes, but inside, I will be thinking about our home here.
I’m also a bit nervous over how the kids will adjust. Sure, they are excited, and are listing all the places they want to go, the foods they want to eat. They can’t wait to see the friends they left behind. But, I wonder, will they fit in? Or will they feel like an outsider in their own country?
And then to answer the questions about our life and ministry here? I wonder will our response be sufficient? Will the people really want to know, will they want to hear our stories, or will they only ask to be polite?
I’m sure it will be great…but I’m not delusional, so I know it will also be hard.
And yet, the hardest part will be, when once again it is four days until we catch our flight, and we head back “here.” Except this time, all the emotions I’m feeling about going there, will be directed towards coming back here.
It’s an odd life the Lord has called us to. It can be a roller coaster of emotions. And some days I question the absurdity of it all. I wonder is it really worth it? Are we really making a difference? And I long for a more stable, normal life.
But then I remember the call. I remember why we came, why we go, and I remind myself in the end it will certainly be worth it all.